Hi,

This was written a long time ago. Long than I can remember. After many rewrites, it is more of a reflection now than anything else. Don’t know how important it really is anymore but I figure I should share it with you before the call tomorrow since it's already here and I can answer any questions if you have. Read it for entertainment :)

[Redacted]

I want to share a little on how I feel or felt. 

Truthfully, I felt a lot of different emotions. I felt anger that you jumped into a decision and negate who I am and everything I shared over mere three days, and that you put me in a position in the name of not making sense to work with me atm–the very thing that you thought that I did that repelled you, and in the name of cannot tell if I was a good person but maybe deep down did know who I am and that I will at the end choose you and [redacted]. I felt tremendous sadness and hurt when you said we are not friends. I understand the why of it but I got PTSD from the word acquaintance either way. I also felt profoundly lonely that I see it was rationality/intelligence that ultimately alienated us.

I want to advocate for myself a little as well. 

I have a lot of incentive to [redacted]. This is a great timing for my own career as a well-being advocate. From an advocacy perspective, more [redacted] are better. From a personal perspective, I enjoyed [redacted], of meeting people and learning new perspectives and I want to develop it as a career. From a practical perspective, I didn’t realize how much I tied my hand and, with you no longer in the equation, I have learned and raised more than enough to [redacted]. Most importantly, I have an obligation to myself and the people I serve and, with the information that we both discovered and the resources I collected, I had an obligation [redacted] to fill the gap and bring awareness of the issue to people. [redacted]

But in front of competing principles, I have chosen not to do that and instead spent a long time finding a viable alternative path, which I'm truly glad I did find. Whether it's by accident or by an act of fate, our thinking is just too similar. And I worried I may develop something similar and end up hurting your career. As you may have noticed, nothing has happened in the past weeks. And nothing will be. I guess in a way I made the decision a long time ago, despite the internal struggles and massive cognitive dissonance. 

I felt the need for these to be said for three reasons. One is I care about your career and by disclosing the small conflicting interests I have, you may take actions to guard [redacted]. I truly believe in [redacted] and wish [redacted] be shown to humanity. And if there is even a small chance I may be a barrier or a competitor to [redacted] then let’s bravely address it. You know me. I'm never one who likes to hide anything, shy away from anything, or underestimate anything, especially when it's this important to another person. The path to solve any problem is to admit there is one.  

Another reason I want to mention it is because I want you to know that I don’t hate you, not because I wasn’t mad at you, but because much like many people who have done bad or at times horrifying things to me in my life but that I can never hate, I know you are only human. We are only human. There is a limit to how much we can care for other individual beings. And that is the very thing I’m dedicating my life to fight to change. I want to empower people to be kind, to build a world where people can help each other, a world where people can connect with each other, and a world where people can grow and be thriving together. To do that, it's imperative that we have to give up some of our personal interests and be unconditionally understanding & loving. That starts with me. 

Last reason is because I want to advocate for myself, as I realize my pattern of putting others first and not advocating for myself was also part of the issue. I feel being taken for granted for my characters. After all, I was being [redacted] for this very reason. Not only had I not done anything rash out of anger, jealousy, or vengeance, I had made a choice against my interests out of my principles and my care for you as a person, to which I don’t know if I have any more rational reasons. Was this the proof that we both needed, to prove me to you, at last. Do we really need evidence and reasons ever, because what is rationality really, if not a mere foolish tool that we evolved to have, long after the body and emotional mind? 

The Three Body Problem posits a theory to explain the Fermi Paradox---why we still haven’t seen aliens given the vastness of the universe: The universe is a dark forest and every civilization is a hunter. When a hunter finds another life amid dark, she can never truly be sure what the life is thinking, if the life is good or bad, or if the life will ever hurt her. The hunter’s only rationally, mechanically, and mathematically wise choice is to remain silent about herself, or to eliminate the other. Given the great personal stakes we had in this project, did we almost become two hunters in a dark forest, as I felt and feared?  

But we didn't eliminate each other but both sought dialogues. I chose to expose myself, much like the Voyagers mankind chose to send out to not remain in silence to the universe. And I'm definitively sure, given the opportunity, you would too. Because we both know it is rationalities, intelligence, and language, abilities that abstract emotions coupled with mathematical calculations of self-interests alienated us, alienated people. And the only way to overcome it is to stay truthful to our body and our emotions, to make sacrifices against rationalities and self-interests, and to be open, honest, and kind. I know you know it too because after dealing with so many fools, you are still kind, just as kind as me. And we know better than anyone that this kindness doesn't come lightly without cost. And we know better than anyone, despite the cost, why we are and we should be kind.

The real reason I adopted Gio, a Tibetan Mastiff, is because I have deep appreciation for Tibetan philosophy of people. The Dalai Lama once said we are all the same, we are all mere passengers of this world, and we are all one. Sometimes Gio and Camry would fight for a teensy-tinsy piece of raw chicken. They would fight viciously, with all their might, teeth and, sometimes strangely, paws, until, at times, blood shed from their ears. What never ceases to amaze me is, often seconds after the fight, they will run back to each other and play again as if nothing happened. Like the friends they always are, the friends they are long before they have met, and the friends they will be long after. Gio and Camry are my faith. 

Maybe you can take a step back and remember the delicacy of the situation between us, the dark forest that may have existed between us as it has relentlessly separated people. Of all, I feel you are the one who is fighting for the same thing as me, and the one who may be able to appreciate the beauty of our emotions and our body, of how rationalities may separate us, and of how we can overcome it. Also why not enjoy the great music, when we ourselves have become part of it, as we always have been? 

[redacted]

I’m grateful for meeting you on that misty night of [redacted], for having the opportunity to share this journey with you, for feeling instinctively safe to be able to write this to you at all, even if this is the end of our story for now. 

But a dear mentor once said to me: having an ending is a story, having not is life.

Let’s walk bravely and brightly into the future. 

Warmly, hopefully, and with mint tea,

Marx